I want to talk about my journey through life, especially about the parts that have formed me into the person that I am today. It all started in 2017 when I was just about 22 years old. I was pro-active, and created a Facebook group named "Angular Estonia", where I was contacted by my employer who found the group interesting. He approached me and asked if I knew anyone, or if I was interested myself, in a job opportunity. Mind that, I was mostly a hobby-developer during that time, I knew nothing about how teams work together as a group at a professional level. I also knew nothing about retrospectives, planning poker, standups etc. I went to the job interview and I was accepted as a software developer - my first ever job, and the same day that I got back "home", I was basically thrown out due to family drama between my father and his partner in life who later broke up. It was a mess and that's a longer story, perhaps for another time...

What happened then? Well, luckily enough I was fortunate to have a relationship going on with this girl from Tinder who I had NEVER met. I told her about my situation, and at the same day I was thrown out, she offered me to move in with her, a place to stay for a while until I can afford to get my own place. We lived together for a few months before I got my own place, and for that I'm forever grateful to her. She drove over a 100 kilometers through icy roads in the middle of the winter, just to come pick me up and take me to her place, with all my things - in her tiny car, at the same day within hours of discussion: crazy!

About half a year later, I had my own place and I was settled in, comfortable, doing well with my job and everything seemed to work out perfectly. That's when my life took a dark, dark turn. I started making new friends, I would party almost every weekend and started doing hard drugs like ecstasy, and casually smoked cannabis on the side. At one point, I would even buy 50 pills of ecstasy at once and about 5 grams of pure MDMA crystals. Safe to say I was having the best time of my life, we would go out to party every friday and often ended up crashing at my place or continuing to party there until the mornings.

All that to the side, I was still working during the weekdays and I was doing great too. Somehow all the partying did not hinder my ability to work. Then one time, I was on a "work trip" to the capital city of Estonia, Tallinn. I stayed at a hotel for about 2 weeks and went to the office every day, and just somehow happened to find a girl that I really liked which turned out to be somewhat of relationship for quite a while. Our Dutch partners from the Netherlands visited us in Tallinn, we went out for dinner and drinks - it was great. The project that we worked on was going really great and everyone was very happy that it went so. That's all just to give an example of how I was doing work wise, and what I had going for me, before life took an even darker turn.

One point, when about a year and a half - up to 2 years of this lifestyle had passed, I started getting paranoid. I changed, but I didn't consciously acknowledge the change. I wasn't managing my money right anymore, I hid things from people and all the pressure finally got me. Everything that I had taken for granted: the job, the money, the relationship, friends etc. - it all crumbled down. This is all because I got my first psychosis: I started acting crazy to the people around me, who had done nothing wrong, and I was very wrong to do so, but it just didn't make sense to me, I was too deep in the psychosis and the thoughts going on in my head felt more real than reality, even though that was not the case. I'm deeply sorry for everyone I did wrong during that time, but I was helpless and I had no idea what was going on... So, that's that - a story I haven't fully told almost anyone.

My life took an even darker turn after that, or maybe it would be better to phrase it as lighter? You decide. I was hospitalized and I was filed a criminal case for posession and consumption of drugs. I was put under medication and diagnosed with schizophrenia. When I got out of the hospital, I decided to start fresh and move from the current city I lived in, to the capital city of Tallinn, so I could start going to the office, quit drugs, partying and take my professional life more seriously. All that was fine and successful for a little bit, until I relapsed and started taking drugs again and got a few more events of "psychosis" after that.

Then finally, I made amends with my father, decided to move back to my hometown, in with my father, and took a break from work, cause all that hard focus and effort I put into work, had really burned me through and out. During that 5-6 years that had passed from me getting my first job up to me moving back to my hometown, I had quit my first job and worked at 4 other companies, because I was too embarrassed and also foolish, so I quit my first job. Also, during that 5-6 years I had gone to the hospital for a total of 5-6 times, I haven't really counted, but one thing that I learned: is that if you want help and you willingly accept it, you will get help and you WILL get better. That's something I hope will perhaps inspire or reach people reading this article. It's always ok to reach out and get help, however difficult it may seem.

All in all, during all the time that has passed since I got my first job which kickstarted my whole professional developer and business managing career, I have learned very many valuable life lessons, skills, patience, resilience and whatever else required, that allows me to be successful in my career and strive for a better life. I am thankful for all those experiences - even the deep dark days where I got to run down my horns, because it was my first time "living". I am now much better, in a decent place in my life, and looking to strive even further.

Thank you for reading,

with besh wishes.

// How schizophrenia turned me into a functional developer and a business manager